Tuesday, January 4, 2022

5 New Discoveries we Made in 2021 That We Wish We Hadn’t

According to: Selina
5Shortcut (2020) 

Reviewed on: January 11, 2021
Genre: Action, Sci-Fi
Rated: R
Length: 89 minutes
Selina’s Rating: 2
Cat’s Rating: 2
IMDb Blurb: Fleeing a devastating plague on Earth, an interstellar ark comes under attack from a new threat -- a shape-shifting alien force intent on slaughtering what's left of humanity.
We just couldn’t figure out who this flick was for.
On one hand, a group of young teens are exploring together and surviving in an, almost comical, way. It’s even listed as a family genre. The contents of the film, however, don’t always stay in family territory.
It just didn’t work, and there’s no telling who the main audience should have been.
4Breach (2020)

Reviewed on: July 14, 2021
Genre: Adventure, Fantasy, Horror
Rated: R
Length: 80 minutes
Selina’s Rating: 1.5
Cat’s Rating: 2
IMDb Blurb: A mysterious creature terrorizes five teenage friends after their bus takes a shortcut on a desolate road in the wild.
Do you remember when Bruce Willis had a name that inspired faith in a film? I held onto that for way longer than I should have, and now I’m a little bitter over it.
Breach was just a hot mess led by a barely trying Willis. It’s an unnecessary watch that we spent money to see on-demand. Don’t bother.
3 Monster Hunter (2020)

Reviewed on: January 19, 2021
Genre: Action, Adventure, Fantasy
Rated: PG-13
Length: 99 minutes
Selina’s Rating: 2
Cat’s Rating: 2
IMDb Blurb: When Lt. Artemis and her loyal soldiers are transported to a new world, they engage in a desperate battle for survival against enormous enemies with incredible powers. Feature film based on the video game by Capcom.
I’ll be the first to admit that Monster Hunter wasn’t all bad. That said, it was about as disappointing as it could have been.
Nothing about the story seemed to match up with the game it was adapted from. When you’re just starting to feel like you could live with the new direction they took the plot in – the movie ends, right at the climax.
It just… cuts to black.
They were so convinced that there’d be a sequel that they didn’t bother to bring the first one to a conclusion. It’s ridiculous.
One can hope they learned their lesson, but I doubt it.
2 Killer Sofa (2019)

Reviewed on: April 2, 2021
Genre: Comedy, Fantasy, Horror
Rated: Unrated
Length: 81 minutes
Selina’s Rating: 1.5
Cat’s Rating: 3
IMDb Blurb: A killer reclining chair becomes enchanted by a girl and starts committing crimes of passion.
After Slaxx, we thought we should check out a few more inanimate object horrors. Why not, right?
Killer Sofa was a lot more like what we thought Slaxx would be. It was just about irredeemable. Cat thought there were some ‘so bad-it’s good’ moments, but I couldn’t disagree more.
It was dumb.
1Sharkenstein (2016)

Reviewed on: January 18, 2021
Genre: Action, Adventure, Comedy
Rated: Unrated
Length: 85 minutes
Selina’s Rating: 1
Cat’s Rating: 0
IMDb Blurb: Sixty years after the end of World War II, a small ocean town is plagued by a blood-thirsty creature that was built and reanimated by using the parts of the greatest sea-killers: the Sharkenstein monster.
Not only did Sharkenstein look like it was cobbled together in MS Paint, but it was also plagued with terrible acting and an awful story.
Granted, you can expect all those things from most B-movies. In fact, the producers of Sharkenstein were also responsible for The VelociPastor – a movie that shared many of those qualities. The big difference is that it worked. That’s why we opted to even give this one a try, because The VelociPastor was fucking hilarious.
They know how to make a good-bad film. They just failed with this one.

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