Sharkenstein (2016)

 

Streaming Services: Amazon Prime, VUDU, Tubi
Movie Name/Year: Sharkenstein (2016)
Genre: Action, Adventure, Comedy
Length: 85 minutes
Rating: Unrated
Production/Distribution: Wild Eye Releasing
Director: Mark Polonia
Writers: J.K. Farlew
Actors: Greta Volkova, Ken Van Sant, Titus Himmelberger, James Carolus, Jeff Kirkendall, Yolie Canales, Bruce Applegate, Kathryn Sue Young, Nathan McNamara, Todd Carpenter, Christopher Beacom, Chyenne Bostwick, Adam Murtland, Austin Dragovich, Cody Getz, Kline Kaufer, Brian Rezek
 
Blurb from IMDb: Sixty years after the end of World War II, a small ocean town is plagued by a blood-thirsty creature that was built and reanimated by using the parts of the greatest sea-killers: the Sharkenstein monster.

 
Selina’s Point of View:

It’s pretty rare that something comes in below expectations when I already don’t expect much.
 
With a title like Sharkenstein, you can pretty much guess what I thought it would be. I knew the highest possible expectations were for something ‘so bad it’s good’, but the visual on the Amazon page guaranteed I knew it wouldn’t meet even that standard.
 
What I got fell below ‘bad’, though.
 
It had graphics that looked like they were made in Paint, a ridiculous plot, and accents that make any other movie accent look phenomenal by comparison. It was one of those perfect storms of crap that could have equaled out to something if there’d been any jokes.

Unfortunately, it took itself SO seriously.

It felt like they thought they were making a serious Jaws-like film. The acting and script were super campy, but there were no jokes. None of it was funny. Any laughter I had was definitely AT the creative team and not with them.
 
Even the Asylum puts out better quality trash than this.
 
As bad as it was, though, Psychotic! (2016) Was still worse… so it won’t be getting the rare and dreaded zero rating from me.

Cat’s Point of View:

When we’re set to watch a crazy B-movie, I really try not to have high expectations. Scratch that. I try not to have many expectations. I hold out hope that the film will at least be entertaining. I cling to the fervent wish that there will be something that elevates the production above its humble shoestring budget limitations. 

With a title like Sharkenstein, I figured that the effects might be a little sketchy but it should be good for at least a few laughs. 

Not only did I not laugh, I almost wanted to cry because I felt obligated to watch the whole excruciating thing. 

I practically rooted for the shark to win, hoping that it would bring the whole travesty to an end. None of the protagonists were likable. There were plot holes big enough to sail the Titanic through. The dialogue was atrocious. Everything was awkward. 

Could someone explain why that sideways hat was even a thing? Were the main trio of characters supposed to be teens? They were referred to as ‘kids’ by the salty ‘old’ harbor-master. Why for the love of Bob were they all middle-aged actors? The female lead was whiny and had no spine. Further, there was an utter lack of wit and humor. 

My advice for anyone deciding to watch this movie is simple. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. Unless you want to just experience how bad it is first hand, there’s nothing but disappointment and a waste of time waiting for you with this film. 

  

Rotten Tomatoes Critic Score – None
Rotten Tomatoes Audience Score – 9%
Metascore –  None
Metacritic User Score – None
IMDB Score – 2.1/10
 
Trust the Dice: Parental Advisory Rating – PG-13
 
Trust the Dice: Selina’s Rating – 1/5
Trust the Dice: Cat’s Rating – 0/5
 
Movie Trailer: