Friday, March 22, 2013

The Truth Behind Zombies (2010)

Number Rolled: 92
Movie Name/Year: The Truth Behind Zombies (2010)
Genre: Documentary
Length: 45 minutes
Rating: TV-PG
Director: National Geographic
Writer: National Geographic
Actors: Chip Bolcik, Wade Davis, Max Brooks, Kim Newman, Roland Littlewood, Ori Goldstein

Zombies. The mere word brings either chills or excitement or scholarly interest. I’ve had conversations about zombies with forensic dentists, retail personnel, environmental scientists, receptionists, lawyers, theatre personnel, and reporters. It’s a hot theoretical topic to discuss. More people than you realize are out there developing plans and strategies for a zombie apocalypse. It was even a reoccurring theme on the recent first season of “King of the Nerds” as well as in other TV shows such as “Doomsday Preppers” and the all-popular “Walking Dead.”

I am pretty much obsessed with Zombies. Romero is a god. I loved “Lollipop Chainsaw,” I have a bug-out plan with my boyfriend and a nearby friend for the possibility of an outbreak. I have the “Zombie Survival Guide” by Max Brooks practically memorized. So when I saw a documentary about the subject, you bet your ass I jumped on it.

What I want to know, my biggest question, is how National Geographic managed to make this subject so utterly boring to me. Of all the subjects for a documentary to make boring, how the hell did they do it with zombies?

I won’t lie. I fell asleep for about five minutes. This is my problem with documentaries, and why there aren’t that many on my Instant Queue. This was heavy on facts, but it felt like a boring high school lecture. You know, the kind where you really wanted to find a seat in the back of the room so that you could nod off without getting in trouble.

My suggestion? Hit up Wikipedia and you’ll learn more about zombies than this movie teaches, with less chance of falling asleep.

Overall Opinion – 1.5/5

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Chillerama (2011)

Number Rolled: 88
Movie Name/Year: Chillerama (2011)
Genre: Horror
Length: 119 minutes
Rating: UR
Director: Adam Green, Joe Lynch, Bear McCreary, Adam Rifkin, Tim Sullivan
Writer: Adam Rifkin, Tim Sullivan, Adam Green, Joe Lynch
Actors: Adam Rifkin, Sarah Mutch, Ray Wise, Lin Shaye, Tania Raymonde, Eric Roberts, Miles Dougal, Owen Benjamin, Tracy Dawson, D. Monte, David Theune, Edward Brennan, Summer Altice, Alice Haig, Olivia Dudley, Nikki Ganz, Heather Rae Young, Amanda Brooks, Ron Jeremy, Sean Paul Lockhart, Anton Troy, Gabby West, Adam Robitel, Thomas Colby, Paul Ward, Tim Sullivan, Marc Hudson, Joel David Moore, Kristina Klebe, Kane Hodder, Richard Riehle, Corey Jones, Kaili Thorne, Brendan McCreary, Ward Roberts, AJ Bowen, Briana Mackay, Ed Ackerman

It is the final viewing night at a drive-in movie. Four of the rarest B horror movies are set to air. People from all over the community go to watch, but the story mostly centers around three friends; one with a crush on the concession stand girl and the other two dancing around each other. Film one starts up, “Wadzilla.” About a potency drug that mutates the sperm of the patient. Then the second film is shown, “I Was a Teenage Werebear.” Some knowledge of gay scene lingo is necessary to recognize all the jokes involved in this coming of age ridiculousness. The third movie is “The Diary of Anne Frankenstein.” Obviously, if you are easily offended, you might want to skip over. Finally, the last film starts up, “Zom-b-Movie,” which just speaks for itself.

The actors weren’t bad, I had an issue with a couple of them, but for the most part they were pretty good. I like Sean Paul Lockhart and he was in the second segment which was hilarious and awesome. That segment was like “Teen Wolf” if it was a musical and the lead was gay.

At first, I didn’t know what to make of this movie. This wasn’t the first time I attempted to watch it. The first time, I got about two minutes in and decided this was definitely a movie I was going to have to watch with someone. I was right. This is the kind of raunchy, ridiculous, offensively hilarious movie that you definitely want to share with friends.

This movie was a perfect example of the kind of B movie I talked about in my last review. The one that isn’t afraid to laugh at itself and is so absolutely terrible that you die laughing the entire time. Of course, that’s my opinion. As with any movie like this, you are going to get very varied opinions. The friend I shared this movie with, Mike, hated it. He liked part of the first segment, part of the third segment and the ending. Period. The entire time I was rolling off the couch giggling, he was staring at the screen with his mouth open, catching flies.

The movie had a few faults, but for a raunchy B-movie, I thought it was fantastic. If that’s the kind of thing you like, I definitely suggest you watch. If you do, I have two bits of advice. First, the fourth segment has such a bad start to it that I almost turned it off; power through the three minutes of that annoyance, because the ending is totally worth it. Second, stay until after the credits. There are extra scenes plus a messed up little video notation at the end.

Overall Opinion – 3.5/5

Monday, March 18, 2013

Snake Island (2002)

Number Rolled: 7
Movie Name/Year: Snake Island (2002)
Genre: Action & Adventure
Length: 97 minutes
Rating: R
Director: Wayne Crawford
Writer: Wayne Crawford, Arthur Payne
Actors: William Katt, Wayne Crawford, Kate Connor, Russel Savadier, Dawn Matthews, Milan Murray, Jason Kennett, Japan Mthembu, Nicola Hanekom, Seth Zweli Zimu, Rohan Coll, Jonathan Taylor, Ben Kruger, Bob Miles, Amo Naude, Philip Moore, Roberto Concina

A group of tourists are on their way to a resort when they must make a pit-stop at a place called Snake Island. Two people on the boat are set to disembark there. A snake falls onto the boat and chaos ensues because no one is smart enough to just get the hell off the boat. The boat is wrecked and the tourists are stranded for what is supposed to be an overnight stay. Seeing as this is a snake movie, you can guess what happened next.

Of course, you can’t guess that it’s not going to happen until halfway into the movie. I’m telling you, it was like watching paint dry. Writing the description bored me so much I took two breaks during that one paragraph. I’ve never been so happy for a movie to end.

Truth is, I like bad movies. Last week, I did a review on “Mega Shark versus Crocosaurus” and gave it a poor review because it was bad. However, you can bet your balls that I was dying laughing throughout most of it. It was one of those movies that was so bad, I couldn’t help but laugh at it. “Snake Island” was so bad that I think my brain stopped working for a couple of minutes.

I think I chuckled twice, but most of the movie was spent trying not to look at the clock and keep an open mind.

Don’t waste your time.

Overall Opinion – .5/5