Number Rolled: 100
Movie Name/Year: 3-Headed
Shark Attack (2015)
Tagline: More
heads, more deads!
Genre: Horror
Length: 89
minutes
Rating: TV-14
(Who the fuck rated this?)
Production Companies:
The Asylum
Producer: Paul
Bales, David L. Garber, Alison Goser, David Michael Latt, David Rimawi
Director: Christopher
Ray
Writer: Jacob
Cooney, Bill Hanstock
Actors: Karrueche
Tran, Jason Simmons, Rob Van Dam, Danny Trejo, Jena Sims, Brad Mills, Scott
Thomas Reynolds, Rico Ball, Dawn Hamil, Bob Constance, James Poule, Stephen
Norris, Larry Gamell Jr., Preston Simmons, Stephen Harwick, Jazy Berlin,
Brianna Ferris, Carlos Javier Rivera
Blurb from Netflix:
Born inside a giant vortex of ocean pollution, a deadly 3-headed shark attacks
a research facility and threatens a cruise ship’s party guests.
Selina’s Point of View:
Another winner from The Asylum.
I think it’s on the obvious side that this film is the
sequel to 2-Headed Shark Attack (2012).
If you’ve been reading Trust the Dice for a while, then you might remember that
I reviewed the first film a while back, before I was joined by Cat. I remember
saying it was some of the worst acting I’ve ever seen. Well, not much has changed.
Sure, Danny Trejo (Shoot
the Hero, Machete kills, Muppets Most Wanted) was awesome, but he had a
grand total of approximately 10 minutes on-screen time. The rest of the actors
were ridiculously bad. Also, for some reason, I kept wishing that Brad Mills (+1, The Virgins, Atlanta Zombie Apocalypse)
was Bret Harrison (Breaking In, Reaper,
Grounded for Life). I have no idea why, but I really wanted him to be
Harrison. It made me angry that he wasn’t.
Even if the cast had been amazing, however, they had nothing
to work with. The script was shit. Characters knew each other’s names out of nowhere,
connections were forced, people acted out of character. It was total fucking chaos,
and not in a good way.
I did like something (aside from Mr. Machete). I liked the
origin story for the shark. It did take a trip down social commentary lane… but
it was still pretty good. It wouldn’t stand up to scientific scrutiny… but it’s
the kind of movie where the writers believe all female scientists must wear
glasses and have messy hair or they won’t look smart so… what did you expect?
Cat’s Point of View:
This was an… interesting experience.
I hadn’t seen the first movie, 2-Headed Shark Attack (2012), yet so I got a bit of a double
feature this time around. I hated that one. Ugh. I’m not here to review that
movie, though. This is my ode to its sequel.
How does that repetitive song saying go? “Second verse –
same as the first; it doesn’t get better, it only gets worse!”
When I saw that Danny Trejo (The Book of Life, The Night Crew, No Way Out) was involved with
this one, I got a glimmer of hope that The Asylum got their stuff together with
this one.
Nope.
This definitely wasn’t one of the funny kind of bad movies,
either. It was just bad.
The film was inundated with issues such as plot holes
galore, inconsistencies, horrible acting, effects snafus, and I could go on.
I was cringing at Rob Van Dam’s (Sacrifice, Hardcore Justice, Lockdown) performance. Go back to
Sports Entertainment, RVD. You do much better jumping off the ropes.
I close with one little bit of trivia for you. Jason Simmons
(The Devil's Tattoo, Bloody Mary, Mad
Cowgirl) played Dr. Nelson in this movie. This isn’t his first outing with
sharks, however. He also played Baz Hogan in Sharknado (2013).
Oh how I wish I had watched that again, instead. Does The
Asylum make these stinkers on purpose so that their moderately decent movies
get more attention? I wonder.
Just skip this one; and when SyFy eventually plays this
again – change the channel.
Rotten Tomatoes Critic Score – None
Rotten Tomatoes Audience Score – None
Netflix’s Prediction for Selina – 1.5/5
Selina’s Trust-the-Dice Score – 1.5/5
Netflix’s Prediction for Cat – 1/5
Cat’s Trust-the-Dice Score
– 1/5
The Random Rating:
R
Movie Trailer: Trailer
is chock full of spoilers that ruin an already bad movie.