Streaming Service: Amazon Prime
Video
Movie Name/Year: The
VelociPastor (2019)
Genre: Action,
Adventure, Comedy, Horror
Length:
75 minutes
Rating: Unrated
Production/Distribution:
Director: Brendan
Steere
Writer: Brendan
Steere
Actors: Alyssa
Kempinski, Greg Cohan, Aurelio Voltaire, Daniel Steere, Fernando Pacheco De
Castro, Jesse Turits, David Sokol, George Schewnzer, Zachary Steere, Jiechang
Yang, Alec Lambert, Douglas Saint James, Kurt Voltmann, Dan Rhoades, Pat
Hroncich, Erik Oh, Janice Young, Claire Hsu, Nicholas M. Garofolo
Blurb from IMDb: After
losing his parents, a priest travels to China, where he inherits a mysterious
ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first horrified by this new
power, a hooker convinces him to use it to fight crime. And ninjas.
Selina’s Point of View:
I went into this film with the wrong mindset. I thought it was
going to be a B-movie creature feature. I thought it’d be like something made
by The Asylum. I expected it to be bad but opened myself to the idea that it
could be so bad it was good.
This was not that.
There’s one step lower than bad B-movie that doesn’t get talked
about a lot. That step includes intentionally bad movies.
Intentionally bad movies don’t care about budget or acting. It’s
all about getting the laugh at any and all costs. They will use obvious
paper-mache costumes, they’ll extra-pixelate any CGI, the script will be made
as cringey as possible, anything to make it ‘worse’. The best way I can think
of to explain the quality of an intentionally bad movie is to bring up Mystery
Science Theater 3000 (1988-1999). The movies they make fun of in that
show touch on the quality of something like this film – only this kind of movie
does it on purpose.
I find it very difficult to rate a movie like this. I can’t rate
it against mainstream movies because that’s not what it is. That’s not even
what it’s trying to be. On the other hand, I can’t really rate it against your
typical B-movies, because it doesn’t fit that category either. It’s not even
really a parody. So, why not just only rate it against other intentionally bad
movies? Others might, but I don’t see enough of them. It’s not just that
they’re not really my taste, but I also don’t have the time, or access, to see
more of them.
The only way to really rate a film like this, for me, is to
consider whether or not it got the laugh. It really becomes a pass or fail
situation for me.
The VelociPastor succeeded
at getting the laugh some of the time, but not all the time. I wouldn’t rate it
as high as The Gamers: Dorkness Rising (2008), but it wasn’t
bad for what it was. I don’t think I could have watched more than an hour of it
though.
Final thought: If you like bad movies – really, truly, bad movies
– then go for it. If you primarily watch a film for quality, though, this isn’t
for you.
Cat’s Point of View:
Perspective is everything. This is one of the most important
things to remember if you’re even remotely considering watching The VelociPastor.
This is exactly the sort of ludicrous movie that the
internet adores. A social media friend of mine encouraged me to watch this
movie few months ago. I had seen the title on Prime Video and had given it a
head-cocked confused look as I’d passed it by once before, so I thought: Why
not? Why not, indeed.
I’ll be honest, my first attempt at watching this movie at
that time was not successful. This was partly due to the fact that it was an
insomnia-fueled decision and I finally succumbed to exhaustion in the middle
of it. I really only remembered chunks of it after-the-fact and my take-away
was ultimately on the negative side. I just didn’t get it.
Needless to say, I wasn’t the most excited person in the
world when this film came up for our review. I’m generally the kind to ‘take one for the
team’ when it comes to our reviews, however, so I was prepared to
suck it up and give it another chance.
Then there came an epiphany. I was encouraged to consider
that it was made as a bad movie – on purpose. I had a face-palm moment as
everything (at least about this movie) suddenly made sense.
My fully lucid second viewing of the film was an entirely
different experience from the first.
It was still hokey, the budget was still clearly visible as
bargain-bin, the camera work was spazzy, and the performances terrible – but it
was actually rather funny as I recognized that it was intentionally so. I think
the only thing that would have made it more perfectly over-the-top is if they
shot it in black and white for a faux film noir feel.
Perspective.
As one that is often encouraging others to look for that
silver lining and the glass-half-full scenario, I found it ironic that I was
stuck in the frame of mind that the production team was taking themselves
seriously. Of course, they were – they were serious about producing something
wacky and insane to give a good laugh.
Then I had a good cackle when I realized why the character
Altair was so familiar. Voltaire (ABCs of
Death 2, Dead West, ReAgitator: Revenge of the Parody) was a staple
performer presence at Dragon Con during the years my husband and I attended as
volunteer staff on a regular basis. This sort of project is right up his alley,
and his character didn’t disappoint here.
I guess I owe an apology to Brendan Steere (Dead by Dawn, Monster! or the Re-Dead,
Animosity) for misunderstanding his mad genius.
Even so, this sort of movie isn’t for everyone. If you
easily get caught in the same headspace I was in the first time I tried to
watch it, this isn’t going to be something you would likely enjoy. If you’re in
a mood to fly by the seat of your pants and find ways to giggle to
alleviate some of the stir crazy cabin fever that’s abounding these days, I’d
say give it a go.
Ultimately, I was entertained.
Rotten Tomatoes Critic Score –
54%
Rotten Tomatoes Audience Score –
69%
Metascore –
None
Metacritic User Score –
None
IMDB Score –
5.2/10
CinemaScore –
None
Trust the Dice: Selina’s Rating – Pass
Trust the Dice: Cat’s Rating – 3/5
Trust the Dice Parental Advisory
Rating: R
Movie Trailer:
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