Wednesday, April 19, 2017

7 Chinese Brothers (2015)

Number Rolled: 80
Movie Name/Year: 7 Chinese Brothers (2015)
Tagline: Failure has a new overachiever.
Genre: Comedy (Bullshit!)
Length: 74 minutes
Rating: NR
Production Companies: 8750 Films, Failro House Productions
Producer: Molly Christie Benson, Kevin Corrigan, Seana Flanagan, Christos V. Konstantakopoulos, Nancy Schafer
Director: Bob Byington
Writer: Bob Byington
Actors: Jason Schwartzman, Olympia Dukakis, Tunde Adebimpe, Eleanore Pienta, Stephen Root, Arrow Schwartzman, Jimmy Gonzales, John Gatins, Jonathan Togo, Josh Meyer, Ted Beck, Chris Doubek, Grover Coulson, Alex Karpovsky
Stunt Coordinator: Jeff Schwan

Blurb from Netflix: An apathetic slacker sponging off his grandmother drifts into another dead-end job, unaware that a monster crush is about to change his life.

Selina’s Point of View:
I need to say something. Hipsters get a few things right, most of those things pretty much revolve around food. That said, the hipster trend is the single most annoying sub-culture that I have ever come across. And I have known baby ravers and emos. As much as I can tolerate hipsters having a hand in my food, they need to fuck right off when it comes to my movies.

That’s what this entire film was. It was seventy-four minutes of pure hipster bullshit. Even the title of the film was stupid.

I get it, but I hate it.

The blurb Netflix put out there for this film is also bullshit. Nothing actually changes in the film. The beginning happens. Some shit happens in the middle… and the end of it could have happened without any of the middle. 7 Chinese Brothers could have gotten its point across through a seven-minute short.

In fact, I thought something was about to happen at one point in the film, and I got intrigued… but then it didn’t and I went back to banging the back of my head against my seat and praying for a lightning strike to zap my fucking television screen.

In case I haven’t been clear enough, I don’t recommend this film.

Cat’s Point of View:
It’s ironic that the star of 7 Chinese Brothers, Jason Schwartzman (Marie Antoinette, Moonrise Kingdom, The Overnight), was in an HBO series called Bored to Death (2009-2011) – because that’s exactly what this movie did for me. I might still be kicking, but that’s an hour and sixteen minutes of excruciating boredom that I will never get back.

I was hoping that this movie would be something else. When we were rolling to determine our movie for Wednesday, I thought that this was maybe going to be some sort of action movie. Yeah, I know. I fell into the trap of assuming stereotypes. I hear that nun-looking bell-ringer chanting ‘shame’ behind me right now. So, I guess the movie’s actual plot was a punishment for my faux pas.

All the same, driving through an automated car wash would be more entertaining than this movie was.

There was so much awkwardness in this film. It was heavy with it. The time seemed to creep by. It felt like I’d never get out of this yawn-inducing cringe-fest.

On the bright side? The dog was cute. I imagine they saved a lot of money on trainer fees and whatnot since it was Schwartzman’s own pet.

I’m so glad I don’t have to watch this one ever again.

Speech Available: English
Subtitles Available: English, Spanish

Rotten Tomatoes Critic Score – 75%
Rotten Tomatoes Audience Score – 43%
Metascore - 56/100
Metacritic User Score – 5.4/10
IMDB Score – 5.7/10

Trust the Dice: Selina’s Rating1/5
Trust the Dice: Cat’s Rating1/5

Trust-the-Dice’s Parental Advisory Rating: PG-13

P.S. Small after credits scene.

Movie Trailer:

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