Thursday, August 27, 2015

The Last House on Cemetery Lane (2015)

Number Rolled: 5
Movie Name/Year: The Last House on Cemetery Lane (2015)
Tagline: Evil has a new home.
Genre: Horror
Length: 81 minutes
Rating: NR
Production Companies: Last House on Cemetery Lane, North Bank Entertainment
Executive Producer: Robert Graham
Director: Andrew Jones
Writer: Andrew Jones
Actors: Vivien Bridson, Lee Bane, Georgina Blackledge, Tessa Wood, Ian Smyth, Ian Grey, Kelly Jones

John Davies is a script writer looking for a place to write in peace. So, he rents a house only to find that it’s hiding some secrets.

Selina’s Point of View:
The most horrifying thing about this film was the camera angles. Seriously… they were bad. At no point in the future do I want to see a guy in tighty-whiteys and a robe walk over a camera pointed directly up. It wasn’t necessary this first time.

Even without camera angles like that, the film was full of moments where the image went shaky… but not on purpose. The film was not made to be shaky-cam. Instead, it was like the cameraman’s arm was just getting tired.

On top of that nonsense, the script was insanely boring and predictable. About an hour in I realized I had 20 minutes left and was hoping there would be 20 minutes of credits.

I didn’t believe anything about this film. It didn’t thrill me, it didn’t even entertain me.

Fail. Just… fail.

Cat’s Point of View:
I am a believer in finding positives in most things. A meme floated through my Facebook recently that compared the “Glass Half Full” analogy – for the science inclined, it’s completely full. Half of the glass has liquid and the other half has gas.

I have stared at my computer screen for a while now as I ponder what I just watched. I have no positives. I hated it. I want that 82 minutes back, actually.

It took almost 30 minutes for the film to even begin to show that it might want to be a horror movie, and even then – it wasn’t all that creepy. It felt like the cast was asleep at the wheel. It was clumsy and predictable.

The score was strangely timed in places and was downright confused. Most films that utilize a modern pop song in the soundtrack as background filler will utilize more than one to explore the themes in the movie. This film was one and done, and it added nothing substantial to that nebulous first pointless stretch of the movie.

The rest of the film (aside from the record player) was wanna-be-slasher-film screechy strings and attempts at building an ominous atmosphere.

I haven’t seen any of Andrew Jones’ (The Amityville Asylum, Valley of the Witch, Robert the Doll) other projects. I sincerely hope that they’re better than this. After watching this disaster, however, I do not believe I will be expecting much if they come up on our list.

Rotten Tomatoes Critic Score – None
Rotten Tomatoes Audience Score – 11%

Netflix’s Prediction for Selina – 1.5/5
Selina’s Trust-the-Dice Score1/5

Netflix’s Prediction for Cat – 1.5/5
Cat’s Trust-the-Dice Score1/5

The Random Rating: PG-13

Movie Trailer:

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