Thursday, March 17, 2016

3-Headed Shark Attack (2015)


Number Rolled: 100
Movie Name/Year: 3-Headed Shark Attack (2015)
Tagline: More heads, more deads!
Genre: Horror
Length: 89 minutes
Rating: TV-14 (Who the fuck rated this?)
Production Companies: The Asylum
Producer: Paul Bales, David L. Garber, Alison Goser, David Michael Latt, David Rimawi
Director: Christopher Ray
Writer: Jacob Cooney, Bill Hanstock
Actors: Karrueche Tran, Jason Simmons, Rob Van Dam, Danny Trejo, Jena Sims, Brad Mills, Scott Thomas Reynolds, Rico Ball, Dawn Hamil, Bob Constance, James Poule, Stephen Norris, Larry Gamell Jr., Preston Simmons, Stephen Harwick, Jazy Berlin, Brianna Ferris, Carlos Javier Rivera

Blurb from Netflix: Born inside a giant vortex of ocean pollution, a deadly 3-headed shark attacks a research facility and threatens a cruise ship’s party guests.

Selina’s Point of View:
Another winner from The Asylum.

I think it’s on the obvious side that this film is the sequel to 2-Headed Shark Attack (2012). If you’ve been reading Trust the Dice for a while, then you might remember that I reviewed the first film a while back, before I was joined by Cat. I remember saying it was some of the worst acting I’ve ever seen. Well, not much has changed.

Sure, Danny Trejo (Shoot the Hero, Machete kills, Muppets Most Wanted) was awesome, but he had a grand total of approximately 10 minutes on-screen time. The rest of the actors were ridiculously bad. Also, for some reason, I kept wishing that Brad Mills (+1, The Virgins, Atlanta Zombie Apocalypse) was Bret Harrison (Breaking In, Reaper, Grounded for Life). I have no idea why, but I really wanted him to be Harrison. It made me angry that he wasn’t.

Even if the cast had been amazing, however, they had nothing to work with. The script was shit. Characters knew each other’s names out of nowhere, connections were forced, people acted out of character. It was total fucking chaos, and not in a good way.

I did like something (aside from Mr. Machete). I liked the origin story for the shark. It did take a trip down social commentary lane… but it was still pretty good. It wouldn’t stand up to scientific scrutiny… but it’s the kind of movie where the writers believe all female scientists must wear glasses and have messy hair or they won’t look smart so… what did you expect?

Cat’s Point of View:
This was an… interesting experience.

I hadn’t seen the first movie, 2-Headed Shark Attack (2012), yet so I got a bit of a double feature this time around. I hated that one. Ugh. I’m not here to review that movie, though. This is my ode to its sequel.

How does that repetitive song saying go? “Second verse – same as the first; it doesn’t get better, it only gets worse!”

When I saw that Danny Trejo (The Book of Life, The Night Crew, No Way Out) was involved with this one, I got a glimmer of hope that The Asylum got their stuff together with this one.

Nope.

This definitely wasn’t one of the funny kind of bad movies, either. It was just bad.

The film was inundated with issues such as plot holes galore, inconsistencies, horrible acting, effects snafus, and I could go on.

I was cringing at Rob Van Dam’s (Sacrifice, Hardcore Justice, Lockdown) performance. Go back to Sports Entertainment, RVD. You do much better jumping off the ropes.

I close with one little bit of trivia for you. Jason Simmons (The Devil's Tattoo, Bloody Mary, Mad Cowgirl) played Dr. Nelson in this movie. This isn’t his first outing with sharks, however. He also played Baz Hogan in Sharknado (2013).

Oh how I wish I had watched that again, instead. Does The Asylum make these stinkers on purpose so that their moderately decent movies get more attention? I wonder.

Just skip this one; and when SyFy eventually plays this again – change the channel.

Rotten Tomatoes Critic Score – None
Rotten Tomatoes Audience Score – None

Netflix’s Prediction for Selina – 1.5/5
Selina’s Trust-the-Dice Score1.5/5

Netflix’s Prediction for Cat – 1/5
Cat’s Trust-the-Dice Score 1/5

The Random Rating: R

Movie Trailer: Trailer is chock full of spoilers that ruin an already bad movie.


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