Thursday, June 5, 2014

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark (2014)


Number Rolled: 26
Movie Name/Year: Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark (2014)
Genre: Sci-Fi & Fantasy
Length: 85 minutes
Rating: NR
Affiliated Companies: The Asylum
Director: Emile Edwin Smith
Writer: H. Perry Horton, Jose Prendes
Actors: Christopher Judge, Elisabeth Rohm, Matt Lagan, Hannah Levien, Paul Anderson, Deborah Gibson, Fiona Hardingham, Emma Rose Maloney, Steve Hanks, Simon Barbaro, Marshall Dunn, Colin Flynn, David Salsa, Robert Sisko, Beejan Land, Andrew Bongiorno, Lance Buckner, Kathryn Avery, David O’Donnell, Bill Voorhees, Matt Wool

The megalodon from Mega Shark Versus Crocosaurus is back. When a large chip of iceberg is transported to Australia in order to try and deal with a drought, the seamen in charge of the action find that the megalodon has been frozen inside. As soon as it gets out, it draws a line of havoc and destruction back to its breeding grounds.

I have to admit, I only paid moderate attention to the movie. I saw Elisabeth Rohm and swore it was Kate Hudson. I just couldn’t figure out what the hell Kate Hudson would be doing in a movie like this. My mind fixated on it. In the end, I had to watch the movie a second time to get anything out of it.


There’s not much to say. It’s a typical, Asylum produced, creature feature. There was no meat to the story. The graphics were slightly better than normal, not good, but slightly better.

Lastly, the acting was terrible, except for Elisabeth Rohm (American Hustle, Law & Order, Heroes). Rohm was really good with terrible lines. Once I realized who she was, though, it was kind of easy for me to expect that of her.

Nothing about this creature feature stood out on the negative or positive side. It was a movie. It happened. I will likely never think about it again.

Rotten Tomatoes Critic Score – None
Rotten Tomatoes Audience Score – None

Netflix’s Prediction for Me – 2.3/5
Trust-the-Dice Score2.5/5

The Random Rating: PG-13 for moderate action violence. There was some discrepancy in my research for the movie, though. Most sources state that it was unrated, but a couple of sources indicate that Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark might have, at one point, been rated NC-17. If it was, any possible reason is not reflected in the movie at all and just goes to show how corrupt the rating system can be.


Movie Trailer: 


Monday, June 2, 2014

A Haunted House (2013)


Number Rolled: 38
Movie Name/Year: A Haunted House (2013)
Genre: Comedy
Length: 86 minutes
Rating: R
Affiliated Companies: Automatik Entertainment, Baby Way Productions, Cutting Edge, Endgame Entertainment, IM Global
Director: Michael Tiddes
Writer: Marlon Wayans, Rick Alvarez
Actors: Marlon Wayans, Marlene Forte, Essence Atkins, David Koechner, Dave Sheridan, Nick Swardson, Alanna Ubach, Andrew Daly, Cedric the Entertainer, Affion Crockett, J.B. Smoove, Robin Thede, Jordenn Thompson

Found footage is displayed telling the story of a couple. Kisha has just moved in with her boyfriend, Malcolm. Not too long after their first night, strange things begin happening. Kisha becomes convinced that they’re being haunted by some kind of evil entity.

This movie is a parody. 100% complete parody. Don’t go into it expecting something that could give Paranormal Activity a run for its money. Don’t go into it expecting high-brow jokes with a sarcastic or sardonic flare. Much like Scary Movie, this film bases its jokes around sex, farts and weed. That’s what this kind of movie is supposed to base its humor on.

I’ve said it before and I will most likely say it many times in the future. Critics need to keep their hands off parody movies.

This movie isn’t meant to be smart or upper-crust. This is the kind of thing you watch when you want to turn off your brain and laugh at something.

What do critics expect?

Actually, I’d like to address some of the comments “real” critics had to say.

Sherilyn Connelly of the Village Voice wrote, “does this even qualify as a movie?” Yes. Yes it does, you pretentious moron. Even bad movies count as movies, and this one wasn’t bad. Is it going to win boatloads of awards? No, but it’s not a bad parody.

“There are vague hints that the story is ‘really’ about the difficulties and anxiety of commitment,” wrote Mark Olsen of the Los Angeles Times, “but then one of many variations on a fart joke distracts from any actual idea.” Seriously, dude? In the oft-misquoted words of Sigmund Freud, sometimes a pipe is just a pipe.

In many parodies you’re lucky to get any storyline what-so-ever, but that’s the genre. You can’t judge a romance by horror standards and you can’t judge a parody by a more generalized comedy genre. Face facts. Scary Movie started a brand new genre. Just because Miramax or Disney hasn’t acknowledged the genre, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

According to Will Salmon of SFX Magazine, it’s “just another in a long line of mercilessly unfunny spoofs.” Don’t like spoofs, buddy? Then keep your reviews away from them. How can you review something honestly if you groaned when you learned you had to watch it?

Sorry to digress, followers, but something had to be said.

Back on point, this wasn’t the best parody I’ve ever seen, but it had some relatively interesting moments. The greatest success, I think, is that it was interesting enough to make me forget that I was watching “found footage.” I’m not a fan of shaky cam, but once in a while a movie comes along that is entertaining enough to overshadow the dizzying aspects of the shakiness.

A few of the scenes were a little overboard or icky for me, but I laughed a lot. In the end, that’s what a parody is for. It aims to make you laugh at any cost.

Of course, I could have lived the rest of my life without ever knowing what a “mandingo party” is. Unfortunately, you cannot unlearn stuff.

Rotten Tomatoes Critic Score – 10%
Rotten Tomatoes Audience Score – 53%

Netflix’s Prediction for Me – 2.9/5
Trust-the-Dice Score3.5/5

P.S. There are some more scenes during the credits. Some are kind of funny.


Movie Trailer: